Tomorrow.
I've never been in Cuenca. I hadn't even heard of it before.
Why am I living my perfect life in Barcelona?
Why do I want something different?
Did I just use the word want?
Do I even want to go to Cuenca?
If I can't answer theses questions who will?
All I know is that I want to spit out my experiences every day, for 20 minutes.
Is it possible to do this? What will I write about?
I can imagine some things.
Imagine one of the people I could have left behind, in Barcelona, THE BIG LOVE.
The big love, that is big and part of a parallel life. A parallel life that only few know about it.
When I think of it, my heart turns into stone. My throat feels like throwing up.
Then I think of his nice, sexy body touching mine.
He's the best sex I've ever had.
So, am I going to write about sex now?
Our fling has been going on for quite some time.
I can meet up with anyone I want, I can be with whoever I want. I love this feeling, but in the end, I always ened everything with everyone and come back to this one guy.
This one guy looks at me without looking at me. It's as if he is me.
He says things about me that no one has ever said. He makes me feel in a way, so connected with myself, that no one has ever made me feel.
Then, why is it so hard for us to be together?
Why don't we choose to be together.
I think it's FEAR.
We talk about it all the time, but in the end it's FEAR.
Why, at the same time, did I go and have sex with someone else right after having a perfect time with him on my last night in BCN?
I didn't want to help it.
We said good byt at 2 am and I still had the energy to go out. So I went to a bar and wanted to say goodbye to Matt.
Hw was one of the reasons I came to BCN. This Matt guy, 7 years ago. I met him and fell in love with his eyes. I didn't care that he was 18 yrs older than me. He was so beautiful. I felt like a woman (back then I was 18). My friends didn't let me hook up with him. This was in Feb. But in April I came back and I had him. We never had sex though, he never wanted me in that way. We kissed and cuddled... I left and came back to live in BCN and didn't really look for Matt. We had some encounters 5 years ago, but I had grown and wasn't interested in bar men. At the same time though, whenever I would see him, my body twisted in desire, and not love, and I loved this.
So, knowing that I was leaving "BCN for good" I met up with him on Thursday. In all these years, 7 yrs, we had hardly seen each other in the day light. And when we had, it had been in the morning after a night out, and me doing to "leaving the house in shame" or "walk of shame on BCN streets at 7 am."
So here we were, at MILK, having Brunch and talking about the book he wanted to write.
It was perfect.
But I had a date at 4, with the big love, and nothing was stopping me from doing that.
It's Friday night again, and I go to that bar to say goodbye.
"It's one drink and you're going home, no one even has to know ou came here cause you're all alone."
And BAM, Walter, my friends' friend is there.
He's all drunk and touching me and trying to kiss me. At least he invited me to several mojitos.
I call up me "one month relationship ex" who's just come back from Mexico.
He comes,
the night turns blurry because I drank too much.
I actually remember everything but not the conversation I had with Andrea.
All I know is that all of a sudden, I was sitting with Andrea, Me, and Matt.
Andrea goes to the bathroom, leaves us alone, and I'm alone with Matt. The conversations goes to "Are you flirting with me?" "Yes, I guess we're flirting with each other."
Andrea comes back from the bathroom and tells me he's going home. I'm too drunk to care about what everything between Matt and I seems.
"Ok, goodbye."
Just like that.
I go back to Matt's house.
This old guy lives in a room that could be my little brother's because of the mess.
WE make out for 2 hours. I start getting bored.
"You're either going to fuck me, or lets go to bed." I say.
And finally, after 7 years, we have sex.
The sex was good. I feel free and I 'm feeling. There's no way he'll make me cum. I'm too drunk. But it's good.
"Why didn't we do this before?"
We fall asleep.
I wake up and leave his house at 730 cause my big love is coming to have breakfast with me.
Should I tell him?
I have never thought of having some1 around who I tell everything to.
Why should I?
With him it's different though. I want to tell him everything. And I don't care if he won't tell me everything, he doesn't have to.
If we're allies in this world, we should feel free to do what we want.
Can I have sex with him after having had sex just a couple of hours ago?
I'm so hungover and dry.
He starts touching me.
Heaven visits me.
There are no words.
I can feel him inside me and I don't want him to stop.
I want this to last forever.
It lasts forever.
We are then talking and I end up hurting him with the truth about my last night.
What can I do?
"Eres insaciable, no me duele que lo hayas hecho, pero no entiendo por que lo hicistes ayer en la noche."
Why?
There can't be a Why, I can only say that I wanted to do it last night.
And you think it's because I'm angry at you. You think I have to be with other people because I'm angry at you. Sometimes it's true, but sometimes, aside from everything that I share with you, I still have these other cravings.
This has been a whole year of experiences for me.
You have been the figure of all my experiences, you have helped me free myself, you have helped me get to know myself. You have helped me do the unthinkable, and in this unthinkable, I'm also talking about that night....
To some it would get worst, to others, my life gets better..
I end up coming to Madrid in the evening, go to a party, and G comes.
G is a guy I made out with a month ago in a party in his house.
For the first time in all this year, the way he kisses me reminds me of the big love.
for the first time (that month ago) I feel the kind of energy the big love has.
We just make out though.
I want him so bad.
I'm stupid though and end up kissing his flatmate as well.
Am I a whore?
What is it like to be a whore?
I don't care.
I only regret kissing the other guys in fron of G.
I left knowing that even if I liked G, I would never have him, a part of me doesn't even want him in that way. I was just so impressed by his energy.
Thus, I come back, one month later, and I'm ready to do it.
And we do it.
I leave the party early and go back home with him.
Again, he's great. He has strength and I'm full filled. I like his body. I like the way he moves me.
I feel confortable. Yes, I'm drunk, but it doesn't matter.
We fall asleep, wake up, and we go our separate ways.
I'm happy.
Hoy si estoy saciada, que voy a decir.
Ya no quiero más. Not this week at least.
At the same time, I'm sad. Yes, it was great, but not as great as the big love, and he's in Barcelona. I'll only be able to imagine his touch, his body, his skin, his shoulders.
It's OK though.
Activity is my drug, and as long as I'm active I'll be fine.
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